but the years spent in the US have been trials of sorts, and my first response when Rachael messaged me about a probable ministry was, “you must be kidding”.

even God’s call on my life, of which He has confirmed, is oft met with a “why did God choose me?”

throughout these few years in the States, God’s pruning on my life has brought me to a humbling point of revelation: i am not. and many times, as i survey my flaws and weaknesses, i would consider myself most undeserving (or at least feel that way), and in a feeble response ask God for just a tiny role in His Kingdom (not unlike the prodigal son who asked to be only a servant).

but today’s casual glance at Utmost for His highest begins with, ‘Do you say, “But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value”? That is exactly why He chose you.’ and it goes on to say, ‘[God] can accomplish nothing with the person who thinks that he is of use to God.’

wow! that hit me like a ton of bricks! exactly what i was asking  - what can i possibly offer to God? and now i know, my dear friends, that God can use me, simply because i am not!

in some sense, that answers my logical questioning, and confirmed my suspicion all along that God chose and can use me precisely because I am not. that, however, doesn’t necessarily resolve the emotional struggle – God can still use me in spite of my sin? A lack of strength of character?

but emotional struggle aside, my focus is simple: as Oswald continues to write, “… whatever happens, we must maintain our relationship with Him… That is all God asks us to give our attention…”. and that is all i should bring my eyes back to once again: Jesus Christ and Him crucified. what a simple but liberating truth.

i just want, just want to be in the presence of God.

i am thankful for them, but i am learning to let Jesus be my delight. and as a result, i can’t help but feel how meaningless life can be. i mean, if more and more Christ becomes the center of my affections, then what good is life on earth? and so i’d long for heaven, for Home.

yet today i was reminded that why am i probably still here, and the only thing that still matters on earth, is people. for my brothers and sisters, to love and build them up. and for my non-believer friends, to love them enough to labor for their salvation. such a life is worth living.

I, Joseph Lum, take You, Jesus Christ, to be my Lord and Savior. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life – for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death SHALL WE MEET.

wow! how sweet death would be! a man and wife will one day have to part, when their covenantal relationship is subsumed in the throes of death. but our relationship with the Lord will only get better and better, till we meet Him face to face, and never will we be apart forever and ever!

such is the beauty of walking with God. the more seasons i go through the more i see the decay of life – hopes vanish and dreams die, love grows cold, people suffer, health deteriorates, marriages dissolve – the curse of sin and death, and the world and its desires will eventually pass away.

yet our relationship with God, with fellow believers, and His Kingdom – anything of God – LASTS FOREVER! and not only that, but though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. yessir, we are moving from glory to glory, and ain’t nothin’ gonna stop us!

truly, the best is yet to come.

when i was younger and “on fire”, as we used to call it, i’d often look at the older generation and wonder why they seemed lukewarm. “i’ll never become like that,” i told myself. (of course, now i’ve come to realize that being “on fire” for God doesn’t necessarily have to be an outward display of passion, but that’s for another day.) yet now i see how easy it is, as an adult, to be seduced by the temptress of lukewarmness.

the world is attractive, it really is. working for money, getting internship offers, living in style, driving a car, comparing pay packets, traveling the world – there are so many things that i can live without, yet, would be “nice to have”. and once you have them long enough, the “nice to haves” become “die to haves”.

i believe God has called me to full-time ministry, and increasingly i am realizing the cost of heeding the call. for one, it could mean giving up a bigger pay packet. or watching others become successful, and wondering what i’m doing with my life. or wondering if i had, y’know, heard the call correctly. or putting up with people asking what am i doing with my life when half of the time, i’m not really sure myself.

yet today the Holy Spirit has been tugging at my heart to come back to Him, to focus on Him. i was reminded of a song i used to sing when i was younger- Stand in the Gap. it talks of how we’ll stand in the gap and intercede on behalf of our land.

i have come to realize that it is less of what i am doing or should be doing, but more of where my heart and my allegiance lies. am i living for myself, or for Christ? am i building my own kingdom, or His Kingdom? and that’ll determine whether i’ll sink into middle-class mediocrity, or pursue royal-class eternity.

And I went, that was spot on! That’s the reason why I’ve grown cold in my walk with God recently. It was as simple as taking my eyes off God and becoming distracted. And I liked how it was as simple to reverse that too: get my eyes fixed back on God.

Today’s devotion writes, “Dr. Douglas John Adams … considered his greatest spiritual asset to be his unwavering awareness of the actual presence of Jesus. Nothing sustained him as much, he said, as the realization that Jesus was always actually present with Him. Furthermore, he said Christ was the center of his thoughts. Whenever his mind was free from other matters, it would turn to Christ.“

as i have, over the course of this season, sought God for deliverance or blessing, i realized today in prayer that more than all these, it is God I need. it is His presence that I need, His face that I must seek.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 2 Corinthians 3:17

but if i would learn to wait on God’s direction, then I find that that frees God to work on my behalf, to champion my cause, to take care of me. sometimes it can be agonizing to wait, and it can be tempting to attempt to resolve the issue to find relief, but i find that when you let God provide, it is always at least a bar above what my hands can do for me!

and the wonderful thing is as He provides, your heart is filled with gratitude, and sometimes amazement, because He has a way of flooring you and doing something totally unexpected. oh do teach me to live out of Your initiative.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound!